i feel like i need to provide some history here, maybe for those of you who, i know, read frequently and don't already know the facts of our family. maybe for me, as i'm working through some of the things that dave and i talked about over soup and a sandwich, some of it beautiful and awe-inspiring. some of it tragic and pain-staking. i've had so many things going on in my head.
i always get a little nervous, too, when i sit down to write something like this. am i using the p.c. terms? is it birth mother? or biological mom? do i say "he is adopted" or "he was adopted" etc... (i know you've read the literature, too...)
some of these fears have probably kept me from writing this post for a while now. i guess i have decided, finally, that if i could give you a link to pictures of me in my skivvies, you'll probably be able to stomach this. no matter how incorrect... because me in my underwear is just plain wrong. and i think that most of you still love me, anyway??
so, this is what i've been stewing in for the past couple of days. this is where i have been:
four of my siblings were adopted, two of them from south korea. my older brother joshua and my youngest brother, eli, both came to my parents and our family through adoption. josh was an infant when he came home to our mom and dad, their third child. and eli, just 2 years old, is their baby. my brothers' stories are like night and day. josh knows nothing of his birth family, other than the fact that he was left in seoul, outside of a police building, after which he was named. for such a long time i thought of and used the word "abandoned" when i spoke about my older brother and his infancy. now, that word makes me cringe. i feel sick about writing it. little did i know what i know now about the reality for young or unwed mothers in south korea. little did i know that his birth mother or his family member probably left him because, more than anything, they wanted for him a family and a future. he was left with the utmost love.
our family never really talked about any of this. not deeply. and it wasn't excluded on purpose, either, i don't think. my parents always shared very openly with all of us about their decision to adopt. all of my siblings were encouraged, if they wanted to, to find and have contact with and even build relationships with their birth families. my oldest brother luke and my oldest sister meggan were adopted domestically, when my parents were living in alaska. each of them has had contact with members of their biological families. a few years ago my mom traveled to alaska with my sister, to meet her birth mother and her brothers and her extended family. my parents have hosted my brother's sister in their home...
and, as for eli, my parents always knew a lot (more than they knew for josh) about where he had come from. when eli was a teenager, my parents received correspondence from his birth mom, now living in seoul. (eli was born in timhay, at the pusan municipal hospital, and he lived his first two years at the younshuwon- not sure if i'm spelling that correctly- orphanage.) eli, like luke and meggan, has a name. and a place. and even faces.
but not josh.
over lunch, david asked me about my family. he said, "so how was that for you guys, growing up in such a diverse family?" and my response, as it's always been, was "fine?" it was normal. what do you mean, diverse? there wasn't any difference in my mind or in my heart, or in me. i never thought of us as multi-racial. i didn't consider the different shades of color in our skin (these were the least of our differences!) and i'm not sure now, as i prepare to expand my family through adoption, whether i should be comforted or shaken by that fact. because he went on to assure me, as j.d. has done in the past, that while it wasn't different for me, it certainly was for my siblings. and, at that, i felt and thought like never before.
this lunch date prompted a phone call to josh. and i asked him questions that, i'm embarassed to say, i have never asked him before. and i knew more than i thought i might, after my conversation with david. and that was comforting, again, and also scary.
i'm freaking out a little bit, here. and (this is sick, i know...) i like knowing that i'm not the only one. i was so relieved when i read angie's post this weekend (thank you, angie, for being honest. for not being afraid to admit that you are scared.) can we do this? will our children be able to someday say, "mom and dad did their best!" rather than "there are things they should have done differently..."
i think that my parents did their best. and their best was exceptional. and i know that all of my siblings, especially josh, feel exactly the same way. if my husband and i are going to do this, then i thank God that we're doing it with my family by our side. i thank God that my children will always know, with them, that while we don't all look the same, we are. and, we aren't. none of us. and that is what makes us a family.
i'm realizing more and more as i parent my own children the significant placing of reinhold neibuhr's serenity prayer at the entrance of my parents' home as they were raising us.
serenity. courage. wisdom. priceless advice for parents, too.
7 comments:
Oh Emily....bravo, bravo. I have always wondered about the history of your family but also marveled in the fact how your family operated no differently than any other. Thank you for sharing.
[this is a loooong comment - I apologize!]
First, the underwear thing... I respect you *more* now that you did that! I love that you had the guts to do that. It makes me want to post my very non-pregnant belly somewhere. (as a pregnancy shot since I'm undergoing the gestation period of an elephant thank-you-very-much.) Not to mention the stress has made me eat, which has given me a little more belly than before! But I will not be posting it to the blog... my husband's boss reads the blog, and he will never see me in a full-body bathing suit, much less my underwear if I can help it!
Next, I love that insight into your family history! While I had no adopted siblings... I grew up in a group of friends that included 4 children adopted internationally and 2 domestically... I never thought that they were any "different" from me. Although I knew all along that they were adopted, grasped that concept, etc. I hope that being surrounded by so many positive experiences helps me be a better parent. I think that being educated lays the best path to having kids who say "my parents rocked!" I also hope that having friends who have been through this experience will be there for my child if they need a confidant or someone who has been there, done that. I'm slightly envious that your child-to-be has two uncles to turn to. (Is that wrong?!)
Lastly, I'm at a point where I'm not freaking. Some days I wonder if it's going to even happen... I think maybe I'll start freaking again when we know who our child is. Don't get me wrong, I definitely had a lot of freak out moments in the past... and they ranged from "is my kid going to be in a diverse enough school system?" to "what does a one year old eat?" to "can I survive without a cup holder on the stroller?" Now that I wrote this, I guarantee a freak out at any moment. ;-)
oh em. what a thoughtful post. i love it. and i love knowing more than what i already knew about your amazing family. and i think there is so much more to family than biology...when i look out across to the halcrows, with little lolly now a part of their family, i can see how she resembles them. and i am amazed and awed by the power of love. i've also seen this in our dear friends the pearces, whose four now adult children were all adopted. as a child and even now, i don't actually see their differences...only that they are a family. i can think of no better family for your #3 to join.
xo
Just the fact that you are feeling these feelings, and asking these questions, goes to show you are a wonderful mother and will do a wonderful job with a diverse family!
You are always inspiring!
Em,
What a wonderful and real post. Thank you for sharing. I would say that knowing you, your parents did do an exceptional job. You are such an amazing woman. Any child will be fortunate to have you and your family to call their own.
(and...as a side note, dave's expression in the family photo is priceless. :)
Thank you for sharing this.
It is so important I think to share your fears, your doubts, anxieties with other people. I am happy that you are gathering around you all of these amazing women and men that sharing in your adoption story.....the past and present stories! I echo everyone's comments. You and Dave...your extended families....are special and will hold you up and support you! You can't lose :) Lucky indeed is this child that gets to be part of your adventure as a family. Love you.
Thank you for directing me to this post. This was interesting to read. You come from a very beautiful family and it sounds like your parents did an amazing job raising all of you. As Rubin grows, I imagine he'll have a special relationship with his uncles who were also adopted from Korea.
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