you make my heart sing

I was worried that, with the end of the holiday season, I would be flooded with a sense of urgency, that I would slip into a dwelling place, stuck on thinking about our adoption without all of the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season to keep me.

And then, it goes on... even while our youngest child is miles away (wasn't that a Poison song??) Life keeps me.  Theo, and Emmett. And their Papa.  These guys keep me.  I have so many to be thankful for.

I can't stop thinking about everyone else, all of you who are expecting your babies, before me. Joey and Norbyah, waiting for my beautiful Godchild to be born in Hong Kong, Michael and Ella's baby brother or sister.  A child who is going to be a part of my life, for the rest of it, too.  This family keeps me.

I'm waiting with Krista and Christine and Shelley, and all of the women whose adoption blogs I read, as often as I can.  Even though I've never *met* you, I'm waiting with you.  

And I'm thinking of the families I've come to know whose children are home, forever.  To these women, both the mamas-in-waiting and the ones whose families are finally together... your stories, your every day, what we are sharing and the glimpse you give me into my future... it keeps me. (Thank you for sharing your walk, with me... as icy as it can be.)

Now, I hope that I'm not exhausting this whole, "this is how our adoption is like our pregnancies" thing. But, here it is, again...

I like how this (waiting) feels. I'm trying not to wish it away. Granted, I'm not looking forward to the swollen-ankles, none-of-my-shoes (or pants)-fit, having-to-pee-every-5-minutes part of the waiting (I know that some of you are there, both literally and figuratively, and I know on one hand, and can only imagine on the other, how badly it sucks. Hang in there, girls.)

In the meantime, I'm going to dwell on this

and this

and this

and whatever comes next, as it comes.

I have a feeling these two boys will keep me.

Oooh, sweet Theo.

My baby started school today!

And, I have to admit, I was that nervous, panicky, emotional mother. Luckily, for both of us, I had to work today and Dave handled the drop off, sparing both Theo and his mama a lot of unnecessary first-day-of-school drama. No tears. No clinging to the pants leg. He ran right in, sat on the rug for their first song, and loved preschool. Cute craft project and all.

Tonight, when I was tucking him into bed, I asked him which songs he sang at preschool, with his new friends and his teacher, Mrs. Miller.  Without missing a beat, Theo broke into ML's snack time prayer: "God we thank you, God we thank you! For this food, for this food! Oh, we like to be here, Oh, we like to be here! Thank you God, Thank you God!!"

And then, he asked me if he could go again, tomorrow.

Oh, he did like to be there. Thank you, God.

This post could be titled, "A Deal is a Deal." Or, perhaps, "Emily, Raw."

Either way, what the hell do I have to lose??

For the sake of being real, once again, I thought I would share with you the fact that mine is, indeed, The Shape of a Mother.

Oh, snap!

I am starting a Flickr account, so that I can share more of my photos without posting all of them on blogspot.  If you're interested, you can check it out here.

Do you use Flickr, or any other photosharing website?

Emily

Resolution.

And so, while I've never been really big on New Year's Eve and all of the traditional merry-making and promising that comes with it, I admit that it's pretty difficult not to spend some time, at the end of one year and the beginning of another, reflecting on where you've been and thinking about where you plan to go.

The final day of 2007 was the first time that I really made a serious New Year's resolution: to run the Madison Half Marathon in 2008.  In many parts, that goal was about losing more baby weight, taking some time away from home and from work just for me, and (significantly) Dave... I knew that he would be so proud of me, and I wanted to prove... something... to him. 

What resulted was so much more... a strength, on the inside and the outside, that I knew existed but had somehow been buried. Or lost. Or maybe even ignored.  Despite the fact that I had given birth, twice, without any pain medication... the will that I discovered while training for and completing my run has been incredible. Incomparable.  Perhaps the difference has been the matter of choice.  A conscious decision to do something that I don't really have to do. Doing it over and over again and, eventually, falling in love with it.  

Clearly, in 2008, I ran my race and then some.  I haven't stopped.  On the final day of 2008, I registered for the race again.  Now, I'm working towards a full marathon. And, hopefully, my first triathlon in the fall (depending on how well we adjust to having 3 kids!! And, whether or not Rob can find me a great deal on a bike! Hopefully, I don't drown. Or get eaten by a big fish in Lake Wingra.)

Anyway, I'm starting to think that perhaps an annual resolution is the way to go.  Whether I make it on January 1st or July 21st. What I've found is that the unexpected results have been far more rewarding than those that I'd intended.  Most importantly the realization that I needed to know, more for me than to prove to Dave, how strong I really am.  

On the inside.

Reflection

I read and walked for miles at night along the beach, writing bad blank verse and searching endlessly for someone wonderful who would step out of the darkness and change my life. It never crossed my mind that that person could be me.   

 ~Anna Quindlen

Blog business, first. (With an addition at the end...)

A "Happy New Year" post will follow...

I added a link on the right to my friend Angie's new blog. She started about a month ago, and I love it. I'm not sure how I spaced out on adding a link.  Angie and I were in the hospital together when Finley and Emmett were born, just hours and rooms apart. Dave and I work with Angie and her husband, Greg.

Also, I started our adoption timeline. I find these so useful when I'm visiting other adoption blogs and, more than once recently, I've been asked "where we are" in our process. So, here it is. 

When I was putting it together last night, I couldn't help but think again about the similarities between building our family through our pregnancies and, this time around, through our adoption.  With Theo and Emmett, the question was always, "How many weeks?" or "Which trimester?" or "How far along?"  And now, it's "Where are you in the process?"  It's my feeling that the adoption, like pregnancy, is really divided into 3 major parts: the homestudy, waiting for the referral, and then waiting to and finally traveling. Each period has it's own milestones... like every trimester. In the first, it's waiting for the nauseousness to subside. In the second, it's being able to feel your baby moving inside of you and beginning to show, so the entire world knows that your expecting. And with the third, clearly, it's looking forward to childbirth (or, the travel call...) and life thereafter.  

And so, right now we are waiting for the news that our homestudy document is complete (any day now?) and has been sent to A.I.A.A. in Michigan.  I'm anxious for this first trimester, and all of the not-knowing that goes with it, to be over.  I can't wait to have our referral, our baby, in my hands, so that I can show the world that I, too, am expecting.

(the link has been on my blog since the beginning, but i wanted to point it out to those of you who may be in the adoption process as well, particularly adopting from korea. david's blogspot chronicles his trip to korea this summer in search of his biological family. my husband and i work with david and his "journey into his past" served as a big push for us, into our future. also, i added a link to my best friend erin's website. enjoy!!)