wordless wednesday: @ the korean war memorial

May 4th, 2009... revisited.

I'm not certain that my words can describe how it felt today. But, of course, I'll give it my best shot.

I woke up early, again. (I remember these early morning hours from my first few days in Hong Kong.)

At 5am this time, which was actually not all that bad, as I was so incredibly exhausted and in bed by 8:30pm on Sunday night. I was able to catch my younger brother on facebook and he rallied Jessica for me with a phone call... I don't usually go more than a day without talking to (or seeing, for that matter...) my sister, so it was comforting to have some time to chat with her this morning, before my day really began. She was good for an honest update from home... I miss Theo and Emmett terribly. Even more so after meeting their brother. I do believe he was made for our family. I can not wait to see how perfectly he fits in.

Anyway, "my moms" were both up shortly after I was... and we all slowly rolled out of bed in our own fashion. I hit the gym around 6am, but my treadmill time was limited as there was quickly a waiting line. I spent a bit of time on one of the bikes; not because I particularly enjoy the stationary bike, but because it was parked in front of the inverter AND the machine with a wide belt attached that shakes bodies. Two seemingly popular stations amongst Korean business men. I am not joking when I say that I saw one man walk on a treadmill, slowly, for about 5 minutes. He then hung upside-down on the inverter for about 3 minutes. Afterwards, he made his body shake for about 10, smoked a cigarette on the patio, and left the gym. What?!

After my workout, which was really more entertaining than invigorating, I rejoined the moms upstairs, who were already showered and just as anxious as I was to fast forward to 9:20am. We donned the best attire from our suitcases and, after a quick stop for breakfast at Dunkin Donuts, we headed to SWS to meet Rubin's caseworker.

(Me, outside of Dunkin Donuts.)

(My moms and me, in the elevator of SWS on our way up to the 7th floor... Intercountry Adoption.)

When we arrived at SWS and were pointed in the right direction by the very friendly door man, we met another couple from Ontario that was also meeting their son this morning. Rubin's case worker hadn't yet arrived, and so we were able to spend some time chatting, which was nice. The other new mom was as quiet as a mouse, and I could tell that she was just as nervous as I was...

Rubin's caseworker arrived right on time and quickly introduced herself to us. After settling some things on her desk and picking up a few other things, she told us that it was time to meet our baby. She advised that we would ride for one hour in the van before reaching Rubin's foster home. I asked her how Rubin has been, and she told me, "His condition is very good." And, "He is not shy!"

I kept notes of the street signs that we passed during our trip. Eventually, we ended up in Nowon-gu, which is the northeastern most part of Seoul. Nowon is a residential district and it has the highest population density in all of Seoul with over 615,000 people living within about 33 squared kilometers. Seoul is bordered by the Suraksan and Bukhansan Mountains to the northeast, and I could see them in the distance upon arriving at the apartment complex where Rubin has been living. I learned that Nowon is a very popular area amongst young families in Seoul as it is clean and safe with excellent transportation connections to the rest of the city. On our ride there, we were all amazed at the exercise trails that traced the edges of the Han River. A biking and a walking trail that seemed to be rubberized. Exercise equipment stations next to the paths. Arenas set up for rollerblading. Innumerable playgrounds.

We found that Rubin has been living in a 15 story apartment building, on the top floor. When we finally reached his hallway, I followed our caseworker towards its end where I could see a middle aged woman situating a baby in a stroller. I immediately recognized her from some of our photos, and knew that we had found Rubin.

He had just finished drinking his bottle and was fast asleep. Sound asleep. Dead to the world!! I am not exaggerating when I write that I have never seen a child sleep like this... this will come as no surprise to those of you who know my boys!!

Rubin's foster mom quickly lifted him from his stroller and thoroughly apologized for that fact that he was sleeping upon our arrival. Of course, it didn't matter one bit to me. I could not believe that I was finally meeting our son. Immediately, I noticed that he was a lot smaller than I thought he was going to be. Solid, don't get me wrong... But, despite the fact that he already weighs well over 20 pounds at nearly 11 months old (closer to 25 pounds or more, I dare say) he is still just a baby. He has long, thin fingers and HUGE feet (I think he is going to be tall, like his Papa.) His skin is beautiful... a bit sensitive and prone to some dry spots per his foster mom, but smooth and soft under her care. His lips... I can't wait to spend some more time with those lips. I think I counted over 300 expressions he made with them in our hour long visit.Whatabeautifulboy.

His foster mother proceeded to jiggle him, paddle him, and shake him (gently) in an attempt to wake him so that he could meet his "Omma." My insides shook when I heard her use that word, telling this child that she has come to know as her own son, and she his mother, that I am his... and immediately it was certain that this was true. As if, all this time, he was being made just for me. This child is my son. He is mine. No doubt about it.

Try as she might, she certainly failed and eventually she just laid him down on a mat in the middle of the floor. Unfazed by her attempts, he snuggled in and continued to sleep. (Did I already mention that I am in love???)

During the time that Rubin slept, I inspected his hair, his ears, his eyelashes, his lips, his chin. I gently pried open his fist to touch the tips of his fingers. I held my hand on his tummy and felt it rise and fall under my touch, with each breath. His foster mother began to tell me all about him.

Rubin says the Korean words for Mama (Omma), Papa (Apba), and brother (Hyoung-neem). He also knows the words for ball and book. His foster mother said that he is very social and loves to swing at the park. They spend their days together out and about in Nowon- at the library and visiting the playground. They like to exercise together (Rubin can do sit-ups) and he loves massages and to play ball.

Rubin and his foster mother sleep on a mat on the floor together. He drinks a bottle full of formula every 3.5-4 hours (whoa!) and is beginning to enjoy more and more solid foods. His foster mother showed me a container of his rice cereal... which looked a little like tapioca. She said that he is just beginning to eat some meat.

Rubin usually sleeps from between 8 and 9pm until about 6:30 in the morning. He naps each day for about two hours, between 10am and noon. She said that he never cries.

Eventually, with a little more help from his foster mom, Rubin woke up and I was able to see his beautiful brown eyes (finally, my brown-eyed baby for this brown-eyed mama!) for the very first time. He was certainly a little overwhelmed by the extra presence of 4 more women in his apartment than when he'd first fallen asleep... he laid still for a bit on his tummy with his head snuggled into his blanket and just stared at me. The entire time his foster mom telling him, "This is your mother." He took my breath away.

Eventually, with the help of a photo album that I brought with me full of pictures of our family, coupled with my cameras and his curiosity, he warmed to me and was quickly crawling to me, holding my fingers, smiling at me, squirming into my lap. I soaked in every single second of it, knowing that our time was limited. I tried to see everything about him that I could see. I noticed the things that I suppose a "veteran" mama would notice... how clean his fingernails were, how good his hair smelled, how bright the whites of his eyes were (did I already mention that he has 6 teeth???) My mom and I both thanked his foster mother for clearly taking such good care of him.

He had a band aid on his right thumb due to a small cut on the end of his finger, and he would not rest until he successfully pulled it off. I could tell that his foster mom was embarrassed? about it and kept trying to explain why he was "hurt." Little does she know about Rubin's big brothers... not a day passes at our house without some kind of "owie."

I kept remarking about his big feet and quickly his foster mom pulled his socks off of him so that I could see his toes. I ran my fingers up and down the soles of his feet and he smiled at me with his mouth and his eyes. His eyes... look so much like my brother Joshua's. When he really grins they disappear.

His foster mom told us that Rubin does crawl, but mostly he walks in between pieces of furniture while holding on. She said that he has taken a few steps unassisted. There is a small table in the middle of her living room, and she said that Rubin loves to crawl up onto it. My mom asked her if he knew how to climb down by himself, too, and her answer was a quick, "no!"

She told us that when Rubin's foster father comes home from work he rings the bell and Rubin scurries to the entryway to meet him saying, "Apba, Apba!" He calls for his foster brother after school, too.

I am trying to remember everything...

After just about an hour, our caseworker told us that it was time for us to leave. We gave Rubin's foster mother the gifts that we brought for her family... for her a necklace that I found at Absolutely Art, a wooden pendant with two song birds painted on it. I will post more about it later, but I bought an identical one for myself. Every time I wear it, I will think of her.

As we were leaving, his foster mom scooped Rubin into her arms and walked us from her apartment to the elevators. Once at the elevator doors, she turned Rubin to me and motioned for me to clap my hands once in front of him. I did this, and Rubin reached for me, leaning into my arms. She pressed him against me and again said "Omma" to him while rubbing his head. I felt my son nestle his sweet little face into my shoulder, and my mom told me afterwards that he patted my back. I hated having to let him go.

But the comfort that I feel, knowing now who has been taking care of him, loving him... the gratitude that I will always feel just can not be expressed.

On Wednesday morning at 11am (9pm on Tuesday back home...) I will have our boy. Forever. For oh, so good.

Sweet Theo,

Before you were born...

your Grandma always told me, "The first one raises you. You raise the rest."

You, baby boy, went to work very, very quickly.

My first days as your Mama were the most difficult days of my entire life...

(Don't be fooled... it was no piece of cake for your Papa, either.)

More than any feeling of guilt

or anxiety

or frustration

that I might have had

during your first few months,

one million times more,

you were loved.

And loved,

and loved.

Better than anything else, I know your birth day.

The day

you started

raising me.

Theo,

I wouldn't be me,

if there hadn't been you.

make a wish...

(and that, my friends, is a bundt cake gone bad...)

And the winner is...

Woo hoo!!

Congratulations, Mama!

No one deserves a little reward more than you do right now...

I know that you've been working hard this past month,

loving on your beautiful son,

preparing for and celebrating his first birthday.

Send me a message with your address

and we'll get your goodies in the mail, pronto!!

Thanks to everyone for playing along.

I have many new recipes to try

and Aunt Sica and Uncle Dan have an incredible list

of places to visit/things to do

when their adoption journey takes them to Korea.

w.w., brought to you on tuesday night.

brothers

(get your names in our giveaway, girls! time is running out...)

brace yourselves. i know i am.

it honestly feels like i just wrote this post yesterday...

and here i am, nearly 19 months after announcing (at least to the blog world...)

that we were expecting our third child.

that our family was growing, through korean adoption.

little did i know, then.

little did i know about how incredible the adoption journey would be.

little did i know that the boy who would become my son

was already 3 months old,

just waiting for us in korea.

little did i know about his love.

last night, these were the faces (some of my favorite)

that i saw at my dinner table:

my nephew and nieces gabe, lucy, and nora

spent yesterday evening in our care.

their mama and daddy, my sister jessica

(commonly referred to here as aunt sica)

and her husband dan, had a very important meeting.

the first meeting necessary so that our family can grow,

once again,

through korean adoption.

jessica and dan are expecting their fourth child.

little did i know that all three of my boys would have another M family cousin.

little did i know that i would get to share this way to motherhood

with one of my sisters,

who also happens to be one of my best friends.

little did i know about this love.

_____________________________________________________

now, i do realize that it hasn't been that long since my last giveaway.

to be honest, when i hosted it and when, afterwards,

i saw how perfectly the prize fit it's winner...

(the proof. pretty perfect himself, no?)

...i wasn't so sure that i was going to be able to top the event in it's entirety. if you've been following along, you might remember that i'd decided, through future giveaways, to feature the incredible talents of some of the creative women in my life.

the cap that ellen made for me (for x!) was extraordinary.

(again, see proof, above.)

of course, there was no other option but to celebrate

my sister's first step in her adoption process with a giveaway!

but... what?

our last giveaway was merely a celebration of spring,

and the loot stole my heart...

this prize would have to be a show stopper.

enter lorie lu:

see? a show stopper, right?

now, i'm probably going to get hurt for posting this photo on the www for all sorts of strangers to see... but this photo paints a perfect picture of my sister jessica (right) and her soul mate/best girl/sister-friend.

lorie (the really, really sweaty one, above) has been a part of our lives

and our family for the better part of a decade. she has seen my sister

through thick and thin.

who better to create the booty for this marking?

and so,

without further ado,

lorie and her pièce de résistance,

created expressly for thisfamilysquish...

(the back)

(buttons)

(pocket)

(the apron)

i'll be entering my own name in this giveaway, girls. you can. not. stop me. because this apron is the most delightful little number. the fabric, perfectly and appropriately kitschy. the detail, to die for. (the buttons? my favorite part!) and as if it, in and of itself, isn't plenty, you'll find it's pockets stuffed will all sorts of goodies to include:

(a few copies of thisfamilysquish's favorite recipes...)

there are a couple of ways that you can enter:

you'll notice some bias as

1.) if you've become or are in the process of becoming a family through adoption, leave us a comment telling my sister something that you wish you'd known OR something fantastic that you learned between that first appointment with your social worker and whatever point you are at now.

2.) if you've become or are in the process of becoming a family through korean adoption and you've already traveled or researched traveling to korea, leave us a comment suggesting a must see, must do in seoul.

3.) if you are a blogger, leave us a comment telling us that you have linked this post to your blog and also share one of your families favorite recipes there. (i'm running out of ideas, and it isn't easy to creatively feed these three boys day in and day out!)

4.) and finally, if you don't fall into any of the categories above, leave us a comment about your favorite dish. try to find it's recipe online, and post a link (or the recipe itself) in my comment section.

(if i am doing my math correctly, your name could be entered three times. lucky, lucky you!)

we will pick our winner (the spoon method, of course) one week from today, on thursday april 22nd... (which also happens to be the one year anniversary of our travel call!)

_________________________________________________________

i have to leave you with this, my first and favorite photo of jessica holding rubin. taken moments after we pulled into our driveway for the very first time with him in our arms...

i can not wait to help you hold and love your baby boy the way you've helped me hold and love mine. as usual, i'm with you every step of the way. little did i know...