Blah-g.

I just haven't been feelin' it.

I'm not sure if it's because I'm back to work and a bit more busy?

Or, if it's because I think my camera is broken and I hate every picture I/it takes?

Maybe it's because I'm getting sick of feeling, when I'm living, like I need to remember how it felt so that I can write about it, or I'm writing about it in my head while it's happening and I don't feel like I'm really living it?? Or I'm looking at it through my viewfinder and... oh, you get the picture. (And if you don't, I feel like I always do...)

Either way, I'm feeling blah-g. I'm thinking about taking a break. And I'm writing about it, too.

So, there.

I want to remember...

...how Theo makes the biggest production of telling his baby brothers how proud he is of them each time they accomplish a new task, from counting to ten (Emmett) to mastering the art of backing down the stairs (Rubin). 

...how Emmett says "blue." And "Mommy."  And, well, just everything that Emmett says.

...being able to tell that Rubin is tired when he starts tumbling (as in sideways somersaults) and stumbling around like a miniature drunken sailor.  It's so terribly endearing it *almost* makes me want to keep him awake.

...the way that Emmett blinks slowly, deliberately, when he is getting to know someone new.  

...that despite "losing" his "baby" spot to him, Emmett asks for Rubin first thing each and every morning, and can hardly wait to hear him over the monitor so he can rush in and love him.

...how Theo makes introductions, as in "this is my friend Noah!" And how he refers to his cousins Gabe and Lucy as his friends.

...when Theo asked me if Obama was his friend MJ's president, too?

...how Emmett calls Rubin's N*ike romper his "moon" shirt, because of the swoosh.

...the exhaustion I feel at the end of almost every day now. And how good it feels, even when our day was bad, because I know that it means we're putting our everything into these boys.  It isn't always fun, and it's rarely easy.  But it's full of life and love, and so worth it.      

Waffle Wednesday

i spent a good portion of tonight making and freezing waffles.

clearly, we needed more breakfast options.

Breakfast

This is how my conversation about breakfast went with Emmett today:

Me: Emmett, what do you want for breakfast?

Emmett: I want popscal (popsicle).

Me: Sweetie, you can't have a popsicle for breakfast.

Emmett: I want blue one.

Me: Emmett, you can't have a blue popsicle for breakfast. That is a treat. For breakfast we need to eat a healthy food.

Emmett: I want donut for beckfest (breakfest).

Me:  Donuts aren't a healthy food, either.

Emmett: I want corn.

Schooled.

I am headed back to work tomorrow morning, after being home with my boys now for the past 12 weeks. I can not believe how quickly these last 3 months have passed...

It seems like just yesterday morning (April 22nd) I was standing in front of Ms. Jones' class when my cell phone rang out with our travel call...  Without even looking, I knew exactly who it was, and I knew exactly why she was calling. Our social worker was surprised at how "calm" I was, and asked me if I was excited.  (Of course, she knew that was a silly question...) She asked me why I wasn't "freaking out?"  

I remember telling her, "J.D., this is the 3rd time (becoming parents) for us.  I have a lot of work to do now, in a very short time.  I'll freak out when I'm on that airplane."

I learned very distinct lessons each time one of my sons entered our lives. If asked, I could narrow it down to one emphatic message that replayed itself over and over in the early days of our lives together, as I was getting to know each of these boys. With Theo, it was, "It isn't all about me, and I am not in control."  

And with Emmett came knowing, "There is no limit to how much I can love."

The theme that has been resounding all around me and inside of me and through and through and through me since the first moment I laid my eyes on my youngest child, my baby boy , has been, "I am so much stronger than I ever could have realized without you."

Of course, the lessons abound when I take all three of them into consideration, at the same time. Perhaps one of my favorites is:

~Being a neat freak and a mother to 3 little boys under the age of 5 are not mutually agreeable roles.  In order to maintain some semblance of sanity, I have to relinquish one... and my boys aren't going anywhere!!

And, three more lessons JUST from today:

~Always store spackling paste in high, secure places.  If it's quiet in the mud room, spackle just might be the reason why.

~Never allow Emmett, Rubin, AND Puddles in the bathroom immediately after Theo has gone potty. Especially if he's forgotten to flush. 

AND (perhaps my favorite...)

~Poop goes in the potty. NOT on the kitchen floor. (The song might have forgotten to mention that last piece.)

I'm not sure if it's because I'm *a little* emotional about returning to work this week (I thought I was going to be okay! I'm supposed to be an old hat at this!) or I've just reached my breaking point and I'm flipping delirious... Either way, I have to say:

I've loved every minute I've had with each of these boys. Every wonderful, awful, dirty, loud, crazy, unorganized, nail-biting, hair-pulling, squealing, appealing second. I'll take the poopy lessons with the warm-fuzzy ones any day of the week. I'm so proud of everything they've taught me already, and I can't wait to learn more, more, more.

  

A link

I wanted to share the link to my friend Dave's blog, especially for my friends through the adoption process.

He arrived in Korea safely.

You can follow his journey here.

A reason why.

My friend and colleague, Dave, is leaving on Friday morning for Korea.

A Korean adoptee, Dave came "home" when he was six years old. 

On Friday, he is going home.

To get to know a country and a language and, hopefully, a family that he left behind so many years ago.

He began this journey last summer, taking language lessons in Seoul and volunteering at Eastern... where he once lived.

It was a few photos of him there, holding a newborn baby and, later, playing with some older children who were waiting for their forever families that gave Dave and I the push we were waiting for.

Toward Rubin.

He is one of our reasons why...

I know that Dave is probably feeling many of the same things that he felt over 20 years ago when he made the exact same "one-way" trip, in reverse: fear, loneliness, uncertainty, confusion...

And I also know that he's carrying the same spirit and soul with him on Friday that he did when he was six: this is one of the bravest, strongest and gentlest, most determined beings I have ever known.

I am so proud of him. I am so. incredibly. proud.  Every time I am asked to answer the question, as many adoptive parents are, "why?"...  I am appreciative and honored that I am able to speak of this man.

Dave, 

I'm not certain where this journey is going to take you.  I know that you have questions about your past, and I pray with all of my heart, for yours, that you find answers.

No matter what happens, know this much is true: